The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by physicists at Turgid University. The element, tentatively named Administratium (Ad), has no protons or electrons and thus has an atomic number of 0. However, it does have 1 neutron, 125 assistants to the neutron, 75 vice-neutrons and 111 assistants to the vice-neutrons. This gives it an atomic mass number of 312. These 312 particles are held together in the nucleus by a force that involves the continuous exchange of meson-like particles called morons.
Since it has no electrons, Administratium is inert. However, it can be detected chemically as it impedes every reaction in which it is present. According to the discoverers, a minute amount of Administratium caused one reaction to take over 4 days when it would normally occur in less than a second.
Administratium has a half-life of approximately 3 years, at which time it does not actually decay but instead undergoes a reorganization in which assistants to the neutron, vice-neutrons and assistants to the vice-neutrons exchange places. Some studies have shown that the atomic mass number actually increases after each reorganization.
Research at other laboratories indicates that Administratium occurs naturally in the atmosphere. According to one scientist it tends to condense at certain points such as college and university campuses and government centers and can usually be found near the newest, best-appointed and best- maintained buildings.
Finally, scientsits point out the dangers of Administratium. It is known to be toxic in large quantities and can easily destroy areas in which it is allowed to collect. It has been suggested that Administratium be confined to small doses only to prevent irreversible damage occurring.